The mind game of being a parent and a politician

Being a parent and a politician creates the challenge of holding two opposing and at times contradictory identities. All politicians accept the enormous personal sacrifices that come with holding high office. Yet, the part of them that is a father, or the part of them that is a mother, does not disappear after election night just because they took the decision to make those parental sacrifices. 

The trade-off between the inner parent and the inner politician is repeated over and over again, almost on a daily basis. The unpredictable flow of a day in politics, combined with the ever-continuing cycle of family life, requires politicians to re-decide: 

Do I get involved in this potential policy crisis, or do I go to Charlie’s swimming competition? Do I deal with this news scandal or do I go to Rebecca’s recital? How much can I stay involved and not miss out over WhatsApp?

The trade-off is not easy and at times it is excruciatingly difficult, but it is not unique. All working parents experience this discomfort. A daily inner exchange has to be made and the opportunity cost at either side of the equation has to be accepted. What the Silent MP finds interesting is the cognitive toll of these trade-offs, and how it relates to the stubbornly gendered nature of how political identity is performed.

Parliaments have shifted to become more parent-friendly in recent years. Parliamentary sittings no longer run into the early hours as a matter of course, childcare services and creches are being more comprehensively provided, and mothers as well as fathers are openly talking about the nature of the challenges they face (yet there’s still a long way to go!). But changing the formal rules of parliament is only the start of the challenge for being a parent in politics.

The goal is for politicians to experience being a good representative and a good parent in as coherent a way as possible, that is, simultaneously. This means breaking down the cognitive barriers between the two worlds, something that is especially challenging given that the thoughts, feelings and actions of one type of person/archetype dramatically differ from the other.

Yet, not breaking down the cognitive barriers between these two critical identity components leads to the sensation of being divided, of living a contradictory life. Studies show that when one’s identity is split into distinct spheres of values; the authenticity and integrity of the person comes into question (see, for example, Monge-Naughton 2015). This is not what we want for any individual, especially someone taking key decisions that affect our lives.

It is not often stated the degree to which women politicians find politics challenging not only from their mother side, but also from their politician side. They hate to miss out on political moments as much as they hate to miss out on the child rearing moments, only there is more shame attached to openly admitting the former. The inverse is often true for male politicians.

The challenge of being a parent and a politician lies in how they experience the everyday trade-off between being the caring parent and the committed politician, an experience that also comes up against the sincere honour they feel at being elected to serve. So I often hear the equivalent of: “I don’t want to talk about how hard this trade-off is because I am honoured to do this job for my constituents”.

All of this is negotiated with a gendered history of what a good politician and a good parent looks like. Honourable Daddy Harris is free to pioneer what it looks like to be both a good father and a good politician, without worrying too much that he won’t be taken seriously in either roles. Unfortunately for Honourable Mummy Harris the norms and traits of a good politician are also attached to the male gender, so by appealing to them she automatically trades her identity as a good mother, at least until political society truly detaches norms of political performance from the male gender (slowly happening).

We all should be advocating for a climate in political society that allows male and female politicians to share, without shame, the cognitive trade-offs between being a politician and a parent. This is the only way for new structures and norms to emerge that support a more coherent, authentic and sustainable type of political performance to emerge.